And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.
Revelation 12:11
I should have been dead for an entire month as of today. That is a pretty drastic statement, but considering the circumstances, it is true.
Friday afternoon, May 3, 2013, I was finished giving my weekly spelling test and instead of sticking around till the bell rang, I left school about 2 minutes early. I didn't go straight home. It was a sunny, breezy afternoon and I opened the sunroof of my Jeep Patriot, that I had affectionately dubbed "my TARDIS" due to its boxy shape and blue color that reminded me of my favorite television show. I cranked up the stereo and decided to go by Chick-fil-a to get some food. I was cruising really; buying some time spent outdoors. After I got my food, I headed for home thinking I would stop at the park to eat it. At the last minute, I changed my mind and decided to sit on the patio at home instead. After leaving work a couple of minutes early, I arrived home about 30 minutes later than normal. So with my windows and sunroof wide open and my music blaring, I pulled into my driveway and heard what sounded like the snapping sound of a limb falling. Then BAM! I heard the loudest sound I think I have ever heard and ducked down as I felt tree branches grabbing my face and saw my windshield buckle. I only remember feeling very startled as I put on the brake and the car jolted with another bounce of the "limb" that hit it. I felt sadness at my poor car getting dinged, but had no idea that what had hit me, was a 90-100 foot oak tree! The entire thing had fallen. The frame of my car had held up fairly well, but I was not fully aware of how much damage there was. I was amazingly calm. I thought, "make sure to get everything out of the car, go in the house and call your husband." Still unaware that an entire tree had found my car in the exact moment I had pulled into the driveway, I got to the corner of the house, turned around, and saw...! I had the sense to set my drink on the ground and I dropped everything else and felt my knees give way. "Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God," just kept running through my mind, but I don't think I actually said anything. At some point I started to cry, and look around the neighborhood to see if there was anyone, anyone at all to help, although I wasn't sure what help I needed. I didn't feel hurt, but I didn't feel well either. My mother, who lives with us, came around the corner of the front of the house just then and she immediately started trying to assess my condition. I did manage to call my husband, but I don't remember what I said or how I said it. He claims I was pretty hysterical. For once, I feel he was probably not exaggerating about that. I started snapping pictures with my phone. That was all I could think to do. As I tried, with shaky hands, to post my pictures on facebook to share my disbelief and shock at what was happening, a couple of neighbor ladies came over to check on us. No one could believe what happened...
I did not have a single scratch!
I had glass in my hair, down my shirt, and in my shoe. My car's roof was caved in just in front of where I had been and just behind where I had been. My sunroof was wide open. I had felt the branches scrape my face. But I had not ONE, SINGLE scratch or bruise!
The next three days were an emotional roller coaster. At first I was totally grateful, though still not fully aware of the possibilities. I keep thinking "miracle", but it didn't ring true because I had survived. No big deal, it wasn't that hard. My "TARDIS" was totaled, I knew that. Not a single panel on the body was not damaged, but, eh, I was fine. Then we heard about the costs and the possibility that this might end up costing us more than we had. We didn't think the insurance would give us enough to get another car, we didn't have rental insurance so we were going to have to do without until all was settled, and things were already so tight and worrisome, that I grieved that I had survived. That life insurance money would have helped my husband so much more than I could help him by being alive. Sure he would grieve, the kids would grieve, but the money would have helped to soothe that loss. I screamed at God, "why did you let me live!" I hated him at that moment for not providing for my family. I could just envision the weight of the burden this was for them and felt it was my fault. 
At some point during that weekend, I had a "premonition" of sorts. That memory of that moment when I ducked down and felt the tree branches, became a "memory" of my neck snapping and I just no longer was.... After that moment, I think the possibility of what could have been, dawned on me fully. It was Monday before I started feeling like I wasn't dreaming while actually being in a coma. I literally thought I would wake up and find that I was really in a hospital.
Since that day, I have been asking God the same questions over and over. I have been trying to find meaning in my life being spared. It wasn't like I saw angels protect me or felt any presence with me. It was an uneventful moment other than a tree fell on me. Were my chances of surviving such an event really so small? Why did a tree have to fall on me if there wasn't any kind of epiphany that followed? Why do bad things just keep happening to us?
I knew I would write about this on this day. I knew from about the third day after, that I would commemorate the event by finally writing about it; but I thought it would just be to document what had happened.
Then we sang this Scripture in Church yesterday morning. We will overcome. By the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. We will overcome. It hit me like a ton of bricks and has been drowning me ever since. The flood gates of God's revelation have been opened after nearly 15 years of wilderness, dry, dead space. I wish I had taken pen to paper right away, because I can't recall everything that has been revealed. I will try my best to capture it, but I know it will be nothing more than disjointed, rambling, half-thoughts in places. THE most important words to come to me are words, I KNOW, the church needs to hear. HOPE, and TEMPORARY.
Hope: the church has developed such an entitlement attitude. We have turned the world off with it. We do not have a RIGHT to worship or speak or ANYTHING.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
Matthew 5:11
For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.
1 Peter 2:21
And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
Mark 8:34 (my note: you can't claim a right to something while denying yourself)
Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
Matthew 16:24
And you will be hated by all for my name's sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.
Matthew 10:22
It's not that God did not promise blessings. He did. But he did not guarantee they would be in THIS life. He did promise that men would hate us in this life. I know that can be a scary thought. Certainly we don't WANT to be reviled and hated, we WANT favor with man.
Somewhere in the last 24 hours, I had a glimpse of the next generation of Christian. The last generation, MINE, became demanding and judgmental. The NEXT generation will be steadfast and sure in their faith, in the face of disfavor and perhaps even persecution. The NEXT Generation will KNOW their God because they sought him fully for themselves, even to the point of questioning what they had been taught of Him by their parents. The HOPE is in that generation and the mighty, steadfast faith that they will gain. The HOPE is in that generation who seems to reject Christ at the moment as just one of many paths, as they see the faith of their peers grow and stand true in the face of danger. The HOPE is that those who have turned away from the training of their fathers, will return in droves as they see the faithfulness of those who remain. I believe that the Gospel will not fall short, nor God's Word be in vain. Christianity always grows in the face of persecution.
Temporary: My husband always says that everything is cyclical. You have heard of the swing of the pendulum. "This too, shall pass." Yes, that is the Word for the moment. It is TEMPORARY. Maybe what is meant by that is that the return of Christ is soon, but whatever it means, the times of trouble will pass. History bears witness to that. There are good years, and lean years; good leaders and terrible leaders. It is never good all the time, nor is it bad all the time. We have had it good for a very long, 200 some-odd years. I don't look for the bad to be as long, but I figure we are due. What we have that is constant is a God that loves us so much that He let His Son become one of us and endure some of the worst of what man had to offer, just to die in atonement for our sin. That was so we can share in the blessings that are promised..for all of eternity. Our time here is a blip in the face of infinity.
The scripture we sang at church, "We will overcome. By the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, we will overcome," at first was a wakeup for me. I saw in a flash all the bad things that had been happening to my family over the last few months had been Satan stealing our testimony. In that moment I felt a wave of anger take over me and the urge to proclaim that I am sick and tired of Satan trying to steal my testimony! I will no longer let him! The words of my testimony have become so negative and I am declaring now that I will no longer allow that! I am forever hesitant to make blanket declarations like that, because I am always so bad at following through. No one wants to fail at something they have declared publicly. That means they fail publicly. But I feel this is so necessary, not only for myself, but for us believers. Satan is stealing our joy and we are allowing it! NO! I will no longer be a party to that thief. My joy comes from within and I CHOOSE to hold fast to it. I CHOOSE to lose that negativity that has overwhelmed me for so long. When I think about what that looks like, that losing the negativity, I am not even sure what I need to do to accomplish it. I always considered it realism. God doesn't ask me to lie about things, He only asks that I look past the TEMPORARY situation and have HOPE that what He has for me is more wonderful than I can even imagine. (Neitzsche would have thought that was terrible because my hope is in the future. I think it is terrible not to have that hope!)
This will have to be where I stop for now. I have to tell you that though it took almost the whole month, we now have a car with only a small loan that will be paid off very quickly. It is a car that we were looking to rent for the summer because we needed extra room for carrying expected, international guests around. It is a bit more luxurious, although older. I still am sad over my TARDIS, but we were able to put aside enough of the insurance money to possibly purchase a beater car for our kids. We aren't tremendously better off, but a need was met!
I leave you with this from church yesterday morning (Thank you for the great sermon, Aaron Allison!)
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
May God reveal Himself to each of you!
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