Breath caught, eyes closed, face lifted, arms outstretched. Free.
Tingles, rushes, races, refreshes, Thee.
Contented smile, delightful pride, memories hide. We.
Thoughtful stare, Joyful tear, holding all dear. Me.
©Joy Meade 6/28/2019
Friday, June 28, 2019
No apologies
I am always ashamed when I approach someone with a question about something on my mind and the first thing they say is, Hey! How are you?" I just totally blew past caring about them and went straight to the point! How awful! I must be a terrible person! I don't seem to have that innate gene for being concerned about others!
Well, no. It goes back to my issue with not being able to focus on one thing at a time. I know that I will not remember what I have on my mind at that moment in the next moment, so I have developed a habit of getting to the point. Quite frankly, I like it when people do this to me as well! It is succinct and gets the issue out of the way so I can focus on being concerned for them.
I can use this insight in my planners and journals. I have spent so much money on fancy planner stuff and fancy pens. I have a huge pinterest collection of creative and decorated journals, but when I get a blank page, I want to be so creative on it, but my mind goes just as blank as the page before me. I get so caught up in wanting my page to be beautiful that I may never actually write anything on it. I just feel so frustrated that I can't come up with any beautiful penmanship or border designs. I am afraid that I will start doing some fancy lettered title and mess it up, or more likely, get distracted and not finish it. I need to just let myself be who I am and get down to business.
I need to just accept that I am a to-the-point person and be happy with that. I hope that others can too.
Well, no. It goes back to my issue with not being able to focus on one thing at a time. I know that I will not remember what I have on my mind at that moment in the next moment, so I have developed a habit of getting to the point. Quite frankly, I like it when people do this to me as well! It is succinct and gets the issue out of the way so I can focus on being concerned for them.
I can use this insight in my planners and journals. I have spent so much money on fancy planner stuff and fancy pens. I have a huge pinterest collection of creative and decorated journals, but when I get a blank page, I want to be so creative on it, but my mind goes just as blank as the page before me. I get so caught up in wanting my page to be beautiful that I may never actually write anything on it. I just feel so frustrated that I can't come up with any beautiful penmanship or border designs. I am afraid that I will start doing some fancy lettered title and mess it up, or more likely, get distracted and not finish it. I need to just let myself be who I am and get down to business.
I need to just accept that I am a to-the-point person and be happy with that. I hope that others can too.
Thursday, June 20, 2019
Those who talk the loudest are not necessarily speaking for everyone
There are a couple of things that have been impressed upon me lately that I need to put into words to really get the full understanding. I know what it is I am thinking about, but until I try to lay it out in plain site, I don't think that the full meaning is apparent.
Nevermind. Now to the point
I hear libs and progressives screaming about how bad Trump is and how we need to radically change the way things are. I mean to hear them talk, they want to throw out the Constitution! Certainly free speech is gone. I could never say what I am about to say in a forum like Facebook or, well, even in person. I have too many liberal acquaintances and coworkers. They would issue a shrill tongue lashing if I said this out loud. Quite frankly, what I'm about to say is the reason Trump won the last election and will most likely win the next. You see, they have effectively shut conservatives up. They haven't changed the way we think. No, we have just stopped being so vocal about our opinions. Quite literally, they look and sound absolutely ridiculous and if you say anything contrary to what they believe, LOOK OUT! The intolerance train is going to railroad you! So much for demanding tolerance. Well, we just quietly shake our heads and go vote. They have the media, they have most of the celebrity elite (which I don't get because the only reason they have their fortunes is because of...you guessed it, CAPITALISM which they decry as being evil🙄), they have probably had the most vocal criticism of any political persuasion EVER, but there is still common sense out there. They can scream and spew hate all they want, but the majority of Americans still have common sense. I don't know about the next generation because they are truly spoiled and will want whatever benefits them, but for now, we are still the majority. It may not sound like it, but we are.
The other thing I want to throw out is just how hateful people have become. I really think that people under the age of 40 are some of the meanest people ever. Now if you are talking to them face to face, they will be sweet, but get them behind a wheel, on a phone or on social media and they are verbally flaying people! I honestly think people have gotten to the point where they are not happy unless they are complaining. I don't mean, "oh I had such a bad day...." No, I mean, "they should lose their job (livelihood/support for themselves and their family)" and "somebody needs to [insert whatever bodily harm you can inflict on another here] them...."
As a teacher, you can just imagine what kinds of things get directed at my profession. I bite my tongue a lot! That's something the younger generation needs to learn to do. Sometimes, your opinions need to be kept to yourself.
Okay, that's my random, sleep-deprived thoughts for today! Good night all!
PS We didn't vote for Trump because we agreed with everything he says and does. We voted for him because Hillary was worse. One thing that worries me is women who will vote for a woman, just because she is a woman. Can I just say that is the very reason why we don't have a good woman candidate? That is insane reasoning and well, smart women run away from candidacy!
Nevermind. Now to the point
I hear libs and progressives screaming about how bad Trump is and how we need to radically change the way things are. I mean to hear them talk, they want to throw out the Constitution! Certainly free speech is gone. I could never say what I am about to say in a forum like Facebook or, well, even in person. I have too many liberal acquaintances and coworkers. They would issue a shrill tongue lashing if I said this out loud. Quite frankly, what I'm about to say is the reason Trump won the last election and will most likely win the next. You see, they have effectively shut conservatives up. They haven't changed the way we think. No, we have just stopped being so vocal about our opinions. Quite literally, they look and sound absolutely ridiculous and if you say anything contrary to what they believe, LOOK OUT! The intolerance train is going to railroad you! So much for demanding tolerance. Well, we just quietly shake our heads and go vote. They have the media, they have most of the celebrity elite (which I don't get because the only reason they have their fortunes is because of...you guessed it, CAPITALISM which they decry as being evil🙄), they have probably had the most vocal criticism of any political persuasion EVER, but there is still common sense out there. They can scream and spew hate all they want, but the majority of Americans still have common sense. I don't know about the next generation because they are truly spoiled and will want whatever benefits them, but for now, we are still the majority. It may not sound like it, but we are.
The other thing I want to throw out is just how hateful people have become. I really think that people under the age of 40 are some of the meanest people ever. Now if you are talking to them face to face, they will be sweet, but get them behind a wheel, on a phone or on social media and they are verbally flaying people! I honestly think people have gotten to the point where they are not happy unless they are complaining. I don't mean, "oh I had such a bad day...." No, I mean, "they should lose their job (livelihood/support for themselves and their family)" and "somebody needs to [insert whatever bodily harm you can inflict on another here] them...."
As a teacher, you can just imagine what kinds of things get directed at my profession. I bite my tongue a lot! That's something the younger generation needs to learn to do. Sometimes, your opinions need to be kept to yourself.
Okay, that's my random, sleep-deprived thoughts for today! Good night all!
PS We didn't vote for Trump because we agreed with everything he says and does. We voted for him because Hillary was worse. One thing that worries me is women who will vote for a woman, just because she is a woman. Can I just say that is the very reason why we don't have a good woman candidate? That is insane reasoning and well, smart women run away from candidacy!
Why you will never know that your friend is depressed.
I think because of the cyclical nature of this thought process, I am just going to type it as that conversation with the inner voice. Hopefully you can see the process. Assume it is all dialogue, albeit a one sided, unspoken one. This is just one scenario, but the words in bold are key. It is for those reasons that your friends will likely NEVER reach out for help. The voice in their head is loudest when they can't do anything about it. Look around. Be inclusive. Ask people out for coffee. Take random people to the movies. Reach out to people on the edge of your life. Watch for isolation and know that if all you see on their facebook is family stuff, they are probably lonely, especially moms of small children and sandwich generation peeps like the one in this scenario.
I really wish I had someone to hang out with. Maybe I should ask [insert name here] to go have lunch.
Nah, they have people they want to hang out with. If they wanted to hang out with me, they would have sought me out for conversation at least ONCE at work. I'm always the one initiating conversations. Besides, just once I wish someone would ask ME to do something.
I used to invite people over and host all kinds of get-togethers. No one EVER reciprocated. All that work to clean and prepare food for guests, but after years of doing it, I only feel used. Where are those "friends" now. I never hear from them. They don't hear from me either, but I am not going to be the one to initiate anymore! No one EVER reciprocates and I want someone to WANT to be around me as much as I want to be around them for a change.
Anyway, I have to stay with my mom (or kids, pets, whatever). She needs to be watched constantly. I can't get a break! My kids leave and I can't go anywhere because now I have my mother. Next it will be my mother in law. I can't subject them to a nursing home! But how can I care for EVERYone! I need to do something for myself.
I want to go [fill in the blank with hobby or activity], but I can't afford to pay for a sitter while I do. It's pointless to spend the money on it anyway.
It's no wonder no one wants to be around me because I am so depressed. I can't get anything done. I don't want my kids to have to deal with me when I can't do for myself anymore.
I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this. My mom is like a child now, but stubborn as a mule. I don't know how to deal with this alone!
Hubby [significant other] has friends. He can come and go as he pleases. He can do what he wants. I have to stay home and will probably be the one caring for his mom too! She is going to hate me. I am a terrible housekeeper and she will probably make comments.
No one wants to be around me. I don't want to deal with all of this. I am lonely. My husband is gone with his friends and I am stuck at home. I can't plan any vacation or anything because he can't get off from work. Even if he does, they will wait till the last minute to approve it. Can't plan or book anything that way! Meanwhile, my summer sucks! I want to get out and enjoy the weather, but I can't do anything!
I am lonely. I have no freedom. I just want to die! I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to live. I don't want to become what our moms are becoming. I don't want to be a burden to my kids and I certainly don't want to lose my freedom. What freedom. I am stuck in the house.
I can't stop eating. I can't make myself exercise. I don't want to go for a walk by myself. I lost all this weight only to gain it back. I am such a failure.
I want so bad to post on facebook about how lonely and depressed I am. I want someone to help, but to do so will only illicit patronizing responses and push people away. No one wants to hang out with someone like me. No one wants to hear how lonely I am. No one wants to be around me. I'm just going to go to bed. There is nothing to life anyway. Might as well just sleep it away.
I should call someone tomorrow-a counselor. I don't know how to call. I don't know how to find one. I don't know if my insurance will cover it. I don't know what to say to them. Probably couldn't say anything without crying.
I have no friends.
It sounds so trivial putting it into words. Believe me, this voice in your head would seem WAY more convincing and adamant about not being wanted.
Most of the time, people in situations like this are okay with the solitude, but at times, they really can't handle it when their partner can come and go as he pleases and is out with his friends. Those nights can be hell.
I really wish I had someone to hang out with. Maybe I should ask [insert name here] to go have lunch.
Nah, they have people they want to hang out with. If they wanted to hang out with me, they would have sought me out for conversation at least ONCE at work. I'm always the one initiating conversations. Besides, just once I wish someone would ask ME to do something.
I used to invite people over and host all kinds of get-togethers. No one EVER reciprocated. All that work to clean and prepare food for guests, but after years of doing it, I only feel used. Where are those "friends" now. I never hear from them. They don't hear from me either, but I am not going to be the one to initiate anymore! No one EVER reciprocates and I want someone to WANT to be around me as much as I want to be around them for a change.
Anyway, I have to stay with my mom (or kids, pets, whatever). She needs to be watched constantly. I can't get a break! My kids leave and I can't go anywhere because now I have my mother. Next it will be my mother in law. I can't subject them to a nursing home! But how can I care for EVERYone! I need to do something for myself.
I want to go [fill in the blank with hobby or activity], but I can't afford to pay for a sitter while I do. It's pointless to spend the money on it anyway.
It's no wonder no one wants to be around me because I am so depressed. I can't get anything done. I don't want my kids to have to deal with me when I can't do for myself anymore.
I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this. My mom is like a child now, but stubborn as a mule. I don't know how to deal with this alone!
Hubby [significant other] has friends. He can come and go as he pleases. He can do what he wants. I have to stay home and will probably be the one caring for his mom too! She is going to hate me. I am a terrible housekeeper and she will probably make comments.
No one wants to be around me. I don't want to deal with all of this. I am lonely. My husband is gone with his friends and I am stuck at home. I can't plan any vacation or anything because he can't get off from work. Even if he does, they will wait till the last minute to approve it. Can't plan or book anything that way! Meanwhile, my summer sucks! I want to get out and enjoy the weather, but I can't do anything!
I am lonely. I have no freedom. I just want to die! I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to live. I don't want to become what our moms are becoming. I don't want to be a burden to my kids and I certainly don't want to lose my freedom. What freedom. I am stuck in the house.
I can't stop eating. I can't make myself exercise. I don't want to go for a walk by myself. I lost all this weight only to gain it back. I am such a failure.
I want so bad to post on facebook about how lonely and depressed I am. I want someone to help, but to do so will only illicit patronizing responses and push people away. No one wants to hang out with someone like me. No one wants to hear how lonely I am. No one wants to be around me. I'm just going to go to bed. There is nothing to life anyway. Might as well just sleep it away.
I should call someone tomorrow-a counselor. I don't know how to call. I don't know how to find one. I don't know if my insurance will cover it. I don't know what to say to them. Probably couldn't say anything without crying.
I have no friends.
It sounds so trivial putting it into words. Believe me, this voice in your head would seem WAY more convincing and adamant about not being wanted.
Most of the time, people in situations like this are okay with the solitude, but at times, they really can't handle it when their partner can come and go as he pleases and is out with his friends. Those nights can be hell.
Saturday, March 9, 2019
Growing Old
Having my elderly mother living with us the past few years has taught me a few things. I have decided that I do not want to live past 75.
My mother is 87. She is a shell of herself. She hasn't forgotten who she is, but she has forgotten most of what she's known. For sure she forgets what she said or asked five minutes ago, and says or asks it again. And again. And again...! I am the worst daughter. I cannot just understand that is the way things are now and be gentle with her. No, I get irritated and often end up biting her head off after the 4th time. Why can't I just be kind????
It seems that the choices for elderly that are not wealthy is a home that is paid by medicare, or living with a family member. I do NOT want to be in a medicare facility. I don't want to share a room with anyone, or be stuck in a 6ft x 6ft. space with no window! I don't want my family to be angry at me all the time or to feel guilty for being so. I do not want to be stuck in a house and never get to go anywhere. I don't want to be forgotten, but I don't want to be a burden either. No! Where is Kevorkian when you need him? I've never been a proponent of suicide and I am, quite frankly, too chicken to attempt it. But boy, the more I experience with my mom and with how the elderly are viewed these days, the more tempted I am.
My husband says Millenials love their dogs more than their aging parents. It IS hard! I can't say I blame them!
It also has come to mind that with the passing of my dad in 2016, and seeing my mom even forget where and when she got married, that our memories...our lives...our impact...on this world really only lasts 1 more generation. Once my siblings and I are gone, my parents are gone. That one thing probably shakes me more to the core than anything.
What have we done? We parented some kids. They, like I am, are going to be too busy with their lives to think about MY life and MY memories. So what happens to my story? I barely knew my dad's story. Mom can't remember much of hers anymore. They are pretty much gone.
I can make resolutions all day long to become a storyteller and record my life, but the truth is, I probably won't. I may leave some tidbits behind, but the depth of emotion and the reality of my most precious moments will be lost along with all those who went before me.
I don't mean this to sound so defeated and depressing. It is a sort of intimate thing that my personal stories will be taken with me. I have a tendency to romanticize everything, so to think of it as being MY story and only MY story comforts me in a way. I couldn't begin to document it all, so instead of being overwhelmed and saddened, I will tell some of my story and the rest, I lock away in my heart and take home with me. I can imagine someday, getting to unpack those memories with my heavenly Father. Holding them out for him to heal the broken places, laugh with me over the funny moments, and cheer me on for the victories.
I long to be a part of something bigger than myself. Thinking of my life in this way kind of does feel like that, like a movie moment when the story wraps itself up, but you know that it is not finished.
My mother is 87. She is a shell of herself. She hasn't forgotten who she is, but she has forgotten most of what she's known. For sure she forgets what she said or asked five minutes ago, and says or asks it again. And again. And again...! I am the worst daughter. I cannot just understand that is the way things are now and be gentle with her. No, I get irritated and often end up biting her head off after the 4th time. Why can't I just be kind????
It seems that the choices for elderly that are not wealthy is a home that is paid by medicare, or living with a family member. I do NOT want to be in a medicare facility. I don't want to share a room with anyone, or be stuck in a 6ft x 6ft. space with no window! I don't want my family to be angry at me all the time or to feel guilty for being so. I do not want to be stuck in a house and never get to go anywhere. I don't want to be forgotten, but I don't want to be a burden either. No! Where is Kevorkian when you need him? I've never been a proponent of suicide and I am, quite frankly, too chicken to attempt it. But boy, the more I experience with my mom and with how the elderly are viewed these days, the more tempted I am.
My husband says Millenials love their dogs more than their aging parents. It IS hard! I can't say I blame them!
It also has come to mind that with the passing of my dad in 2016, and seeing my mom even forget where and when she got married, that our memories...our lives...our impact...on this world really only lasts 1 more generation. Once my siblings and I are gone, my parents are gone. That one thing probably shakes me more to the core than anything.
What have we done? We parented some kids. They, like I am, are going to be too busy with their lives to think about MY life and MY memories. So what happens to my story? I barely knew my dad's story. Mom can't remember much of hers anymore. They are pretty much gone.
I can make resolutions all day long to become a storyteller and record my life, but the truth is, I probably won't. I may leave some tidbits behind, but the depth of emotion and the reality of my most precious moments will be lost along with all those who went before me.
I don't mean this to sound so defeated and depressing. It is a sort of intimate thing that my personal stories will be taken with me. I have a tendency to romanticize everything, so to think of it as being MY story and only MY story comforts me in a way. I couldn't begin to document it all, so instead of being overwhelmed and saddened, I will tell some of my story and the rest, I lock away in my heart and take home with me. I can imagine someday, getting to unpack those memories with my heavenly Father. Holding them out for him to heal the broken places, laugh with me over the funny moments, and cheer me on for the victories.
I long to be a part of something bigger than myself. Thinking of my life in this way kind of does feel like that, like a movie moment when the story wraps itself up, but you know that it is not finished.
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