I am a Seventh Grade Language Arts Teacher! No really, I am. As of today. I JUST got my first teaching position today! I am so excited! Finally! I went back to school in 2008. I worked my butt off! I graduated in December 2011 and after a year and a half, FINALLY landed a teaching position! I am 47 years old and I FINALLY have a career...a title...work that I LOVE!
The culmination of a month of being truly blessed and feeling truly like I am loved by an awesome God! He is proving Himself to me every day.
"Forgive." He told me. "Stop letting Satan steal your testimony!" He said. I have been walking a dry, dead wilderness since 1998 and resentment kept me from the promised land. It wasn't easy to let it go at first and Satan threw his left hook the very day after I gave it all to God. But with each day, with each act of going through the motions of letting go, with each confession of forgiveness, it has gotten easier and easier.
Now, an opportunity for revenge has revealed itself. I am laying it down. I will be praying for my daughter to be able to do the same and not be afraid. It is she who has to confront the enemy. It is my duty to show her that it is not a battle she has to take on. She can look them in the eye and play the game without malice or revenge in her heart.
Softball. I am talking about softball. The team that cut her (for political reasons) is the team she has to face at the next tournament. Haha. I love that the last paragraph sounds way more dramatic than what it really is. Truthfully, it hurt. She is a three-year starter and they cut her for her senior year because they don't like her father. We know this because one of the coaches let his mouth run at a tournament last year and some of the parents told us. She (like I said, a three year starter) was the only cut and there are about five players who never play. So it's pretty obvious that it wasn't her playing that they didn't like. It hurt her for obvious reasons. It hurt my husband because it was an ongoing black balling that they used our daughter for driving in the final blow. It hurt me because I can't stand to see them hurting. Because of my job search, there was nothing we could do about it. Speak out about it? Circumstances just get worse and my chances at a job might be affected.
Deep breath....I forgive them. I let it go. It was not the people that did it, it was Satan. They are not even aware of the pain they caused.
Character is being restored after it was attacked by these same people years ago. God has seen fit to move us into a different circle and establish new relationships. We are moving on. And we are being so blessed!
Sorry this post is so random and screwy tonight. This day has gone SO fast and I have been on an emotional high for most of it and am extremely tired tonight because of it. I just wanted to document the latest. I am building my testimony.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
Random political thoughts-incomplete and VERY random!
I am fiscally conservative, socially libertarian, absolutely
opposed to abortion, and fiercely American patriotic. I do not want a
European, progressive, socialist lifestyle or I would move there. I
want to have different values and an individualist society-that is what
the country was founded to be-completely different from Europe! I am
fully supportive of a Monroe Doctrine style of international affairs. If you don't know what that is, it means we trade with the world, but we stay out of their business and keep them out of ours. If we can't work a deal, we don't TAKE what we want, but we either do without, or work it out. (I know this has rarely, if ever, been the modus operendi of our country or ANY country)
I do believe in manifest destiny. Do I think it is fair, no, but there is always someone stronger who will put you in your place and if you don't stay strong and proud, your place will be beneath them. That's just how things are and always have been. There are always those who get trampled on and it is only the grace of God that my time is not right now. I also believe that in the long term, what comes around, goes around and if we do not treat others with respect, we will pay for it someday. One kingdom flourishes, another dies. Then, a few years later, that kingdom dies while yet another gains power.
Leaders are not always good, nor are they always bad. Both must be endured and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.
MY choice is MY choice. You choose what you will, but leave me to choose for myself. I am not any better or lesser than you for doing so. Time will tell who is right and if I am not, I will accept the consequences without blaming you or trying to force you to share in them. I expect the same.
Taking innocent life is always wrong, but some things are punishable by death, or worse. That being said, I do not think capital punishment should be used unless there is no doubt about the guilt. I refer back to the first part of this paragraph. Taking innocent life is ALWAYS wrong. Innocence is lost once arms are taken up against another, unless it is for the protection or defense. I am not innocent if I am at arms with another and I should expect that my life is just as vulnerable as his is. However, in war, justice is meted out on the battlefield and unless there is torture or rape involved, war crimes are not the jurisdiction of man (realizing this opens a whole new topic, I will skip it for now). If you don't believe in a god, then fate decides.
Guns? I think we should all have them or have someone nearby who cares about us that does. Should society fail, the most anti-gun liberal will be scrounging to find one, cause if people are hungry, they will kill to get what they need. I'll be damned if I let government leave me in an unprotected state. (oops, guess I am on a list somewhere now!) If you don't want one, that's fine, but you are going to have a fight if you try to take mine! How, in any imagining, has it become okay to think that you should try????
No matter what you think is bad, it can always be worse. Be grateful, look how far we've come. Imagine life in another time-a time when women were treated no better than cattle and children died so often, parents didn't give them names right away. WE HAVE IT GOOD, FOLKS! Why fight over it?
Go your way, I'll go mine. Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone. Stop trying to take what I have worked for and I might actually take pity on you and help you. Better yet, we could help each other out. I might need car repairs that you can do, you might need a meal or two that I can take care of. We don't have to agree about everything to do that? But you try to take my food and I will hold onto it. If I try to force you to fix my car, you will do a crappy job or break something on it intentionally.
Politics is all about give and take. Some things will never be agreed upon. We have to realize that and sometimes, we even have to leave it alone so we don't trample on choices. We don't have to agree to get along!!!! Civil Discourse, my friends, it is dead and I am in mourning.
I do believe in manifest destiny. Do I think it is fair, no, but there is always someone stronger who will put you in your place and if you don't stay strong and proud, your place will be beneath them. That's just how things are and always have been. There are always those who get trampled on and it is only the grace of God that my time is not right now. I also believe that in the long term, what comes around, goes around and if we do not treat others with respect, we will pay for it someday. One kingdom flourishes, another dies. Then, a few years later, that kingdom dies while yet another gains power.
Leaders are not always good, nor are they always bad. Both must be endured and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.
MY choice is MY choice. You choose what you will, but leave me to choose for myself. I am not any better or lesser than you for doing so. Time will tell who is right and if I am not, I will accept the consequences without blaming you or trying to force you to share in them. I expect the same.
Taking innocent life is always wrong, but some things are punishable by death, or worse. That being said, I do not think capital punishment should be used unless there is no doubt about the guilt. I refer back to the first part of this paragraph. Taking innocent life is ALWAYS wrong. Innocence is lost once arms are taken up against another, unless it is for the protection or defense. I am not innocent if I am at arms with another and I should expect that my life is just as vulnerable as his is. However, in war, justice is meted out on the battlefield and unless there is torture or rape involved, war crimes are not the jurisdiction of man (realizing this opens a whole new topic, I will skip it for now). If you don't believe in a god, then fate decides.
Guns? I think we should all have them or have someone nearby who cares about us that does. Should society fail, the most anti-gun liberal will be scrounging to find one, cause if people are hungry, they will kill to get what they need. I'll be damned if I let government leave me in an unprotected state. (oops, guess I am on a list somewhere now!) If you don't want one, that's fine, but you are going to have a fight if you try to take mine! How, in any imagining, has it become okay to think that you should try????
No matter what you think is bad, it can always be worse. Be grateful, look how far we've come. Imagine life in another time-a time when women were treated no better than cattle and children died so often, parents didn't give them names right away. WE HAVE IT GOOD, FOLKS! Why fight over it?
Go your way, I'll go mine. Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone. Stop trying to take what I have worked for and I might actually take pity on you and help you. Better yet, we could help each other out. I might need car repairs that you can do, you might need a meal or two that I can take care of. We don't have to agree about everything to do that? But you try to take my food and I will hold onto it. If I try to force you to fix my car, you will do a crappy job or break something on it intentionally.
Politics is all about give and take. Some things will never be agreed upon. We have to realize that and sometimes, we even have to leave it alone so we don't trample on choices. We don't have to agree to get along!!!! Civil Discourse, my friends, it is dead and I am in mourning.
What is a Conservative Feminist?
I am a conservative feminist. Let's look at the difference between what used to be considered a feminist, and what is becoming the new face of feminism.
I started this post last week, but then I found this:
To me, the new feminism is not based on sexual reproduction or orientation, it is based on women's right to make her own choices. A woman can CHOOSE to be Democrat or Republican, Straight or Lesbian, pregnant or not (Abortion is murder. The choice should be made before it gets to that point. If you want to prevent and "accident", don't have sex, otherwise, there are lots of people out there who would love to take that "accident" off your hands!), liberal or conservative, work or stay-at-home and still be entitled to the respect and dignity that anyone else deserves. Women should be no more objectified or demeaned than any other human being should, but should she choose to put herself in the position of being objectified or demeaned, she should own it, while respecting that other women choose NOT to put themselves in that position by not dragging all of womankind into that position with them.
It is NOT feminism when one group of women demeans other women, or excludes them, because of the choices they make. It has nothing to do with WHAT choice you make. It has everything to do with being able to make those choices.
I started this post last week, but then I found this:
To me, the new feminism is not based on sexual reproduction or orientation, it is based on women's right to make her own choices. A woman can CHOOSE to be Democrat or Republican, Straight or Lesbian, pregnant or not (Abortion is murder. The choice should be made before it gets to that point. If you want to prevent and "accident", don't have sex, otherwise, there are lots of people out there who would love to take that "accident" off your hands!), liberal or conservative, work or stay-at-home and still be entitled to the respect and dignity that anyone else deserves. Women should be no more objectified or demeaned than any other human being should, but should she choose to put herself in the position of being objectified or demeaned, she should own it, while respecting that other women choose NOT to put themselves in that position by not dragging all of womankind into that position with them.
It is NOT feminism when one group of women demeans other women, or excludes them, because of the choices they make. It has nothing to do with WHAT choice you make. It has everything to do with being able to make those choices.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Faith comes by Hearing
I didn't like "since the tree" anymore. I don't want to call it that anymore. In spite of my bad behavior over it and basically calling God stupid for letting me live, I have known it was the end of something, and the beginning of something else. It took a month for me to find purpose in it and even still, purpose is not fully revealed. But since then, my reaction to things is so different. Perhaps it isn't fully shown outwardly, but in my heart, there is more joy, more hope, more gratitude. I am changing.
I still feel the ache of my daughter being cut from her team. A three-year starter, cut, when no one else was. Clearly a political move, she would not have started for three years if she was not good, but it is getting easier every day to put it from my mind and move on. I say "fake it till you make it". My mouth and heart are saying the right things...speaking forgiveness and letting go. My mind is beginning to follow; I find myself thinking about it less and less.
Financially, we have been so blessed! Two really generous gifts; one monetary, the other, a really nice blessing I would have never been able to give myself, a timely refinance, a GOOD deal on a replacement car and a fair reimbursement for the totaled TARDIS. But this all served to free up funds that previously were not free. Breathing room. YESSSSS! But not just breathing room. No, my budget suddenly seems to be opening up. All of a sudden, I have a pretty substantial savings and still money in checking and payday is tomorrow!
I was getting ready to send money to a charity I send to every month and God said, "As I have blessed you, so you are to bless them." So I made the payment for $100 instead of the usual $45. Not a whole lot, but to them it will be a goodly amount. So I am budgeting for the next few months and where I have never tithed for never feeling I had the money to begin with-it always belonged to my creditors. But I have committed to some charities on a monthly basis.
I felt like God was telling me that I didn't have as far to reach with my tithe as I thought I did because I was already giving. I have also always tried to give of my time, but haven't been able to since I went back to school.
"But God, that isn't tithing."
"It is."
"???"
"You still don't trust Me yet do you?
I still had no words, but He heard the questions in my heart that I didn't even know were there. So He starts showing me what He has been doing and says, "Go list them. Go write them down. See for yourself what I have done."
Go back, read the paragraph that begins with "Financially, we have been so blessed!" It has been 10 days since I first wrote about the tree. He has done this in TEN DAYS! Not to mention what is going on in my heart! He does so much for us and we don't even realize how much He is blessing us, unless we take time to think about those blessings! I, for one, am deeply convicted to write them down. So here I am. Documenting the word of my testimony. Learning to forgive on a real level and realizing that trust grows as a direct result of that testimony. It's the same thing as "Faith comes by hearing." God is talking about hearing the word of God builds faith. Well, hearing about the things God does builds faith. That is what our testimony is. That is what our testimony does. That is how we overcome. Praise God! His word is faithful and true!
To man, God's word is as nonsense, but it always proves itself true. It does not return to Him void! This is the confession of faith I have for my fallen child. My little one will return to the fold. The Word has been spoken to him. The seed has been planted. God's work in him will be a testimony in and of itself!
But I still need another "name" for the beginning of all of this. The Day of Epiphany is already taken and I can't just keep saying, "since the tree".
I still feel the ache of my daughter being cut from her team. A three-year starter, cut, when no one else was. Clearly a political move, she would not have started for three years if she was not good, but it is getting easier every day to put it from my mind and move on. I say "fake it till you make it". My mouth and heart are saying the right things...speaking forgiveness and letting go. My mind is beginning to follow; I find myself thinking about it less and less.
Financially, we have been so blessed! Two really generous gifts; one monetary, the other, a really nice blessing I would have never been able to give myself, a timely refinance, a GOOD deal on a replacement car and a fair reimbursement for the totaled TARDIS. But this all served to free up funds that previously were not free. Breathing room. YESSSSS! But not just breathing room. No, my budget suddenly seems to be opening up. All of a sudden, I have a pretty substantial savings and still money in checking and payday is tomorrow!
I was getting ready to send money to a charity I send to every month and God said, "As I have blessed you, so you are to bless them." So I made the payment for $100 instead of the usual $45. Not a whole lot, but to them it will be a goodly amount. So I am budgeting for the next few months and where I have never tithed for never feeling I had the money to begin with-it always belonged to my creditors. But I have committed to some charities on a monthly basis.
I felt like God was telling me that I didn't have as far to reach with my tithe as I thought I did because I was already giving. I have also always tried to give of my time, but haven't been able to since I went back to school.
"But God, that isn't tithing."
"It is."
"???"
"You still don't trust Me yet do you?
I still had no words, but He heard the questions in my heart that I didn't even know were there. So He starts showing me what He has been doing and says, "Go list them. Go write them down. See for yourself what I have done."
Go back, read the paragraph that begins with "Financially, we have been so blessed!" It has been 10 days since I first wrote about the tree. He has done this in TEN DAYS! Not to mention what is going on in my heart! He does so much for us and we don't even realize how much He is blessing us, unless we take time to think about those blessings! I, for one, am deeply convicted to write them down. So here I am. Documenting the word of my testimony. Learning to forgive on a real level and realizing that trust grows as a direct result of that testimony. It's the same thing as "Faith comes by hearing." God is talking about hearing the word of God builds faith. Well, hearing about the things God does builds faith. That is what our testimony is. That is what our testimony does. That is how we overcome. Praise God! His word is faithful and true!
To man, God's word is as nonsense, but it always proves itself true. It does not return to Him void! This is the confession of faith I have for my fallen child. My little one will return to the fold. The Word has been spoken to him. The seed has been planted. God's work in him will be a testimony in and of itself!
But I still need another "name" for the beginning of all of this. The Day of Epiphany is already taken and I can't just keep saying, "since the tree".
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Standing Firm
In my last post I took a stand and said I would not allow Satan to steal my testimony any longer. As I expected, he attacked harder. I did NOT, however, expect it to be my daughter he attacked. Well, I am here to say, he has not won and will not win. We are moving on and won't even speak about the issue. I will tell those who need to know what happened without commentary. Satan will not get the satisfaction of stirring up resentment and thoughts of retaliation. I am not one to believe that these people will reap the consequences because these people are merely being used by Satan. They do not have a clue of the damage they wrought. I release them from any responsibility for it and choose to see it for what it is.
My testimony is and will be joy. My daughter will become a stronger person for it. And Satan, you have lost.
In the meantime, let me tell you about my wonderful God! An unexpected gift came today along with the most encouraging message I think I have ever received, and it could not have been more timely and relevant. At first I cried. I mean this was no small gift! I wasn't sure if I should even keep it! But God helped me to think about being in the giver's shoes and I realized that this person, in giving the gift, is RECEIVING a blessing also. God is faithful to bless us for being His hands and feet. It is often a blessing that only the person doing His work can feel or see.
To my dear friend who has asked to remain anonymous, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I am praying for your 100 fold return!
My testimony is and will be joy. My daughter will become a stronger person for it. And Satan, you have lost.
In the meantime, let me tell you about my wonderful God! An unexpected gift came today along with the most encouraging message I think I have ever received, and it could not have been more timely and relevant. At first I cried. I mean this was no small gift! I wasn't sure if I should even keep it! But God helped me to think about being in the giver's shoes and I realized that this person, in giving the gift, is RECEIVING a blessing also. God is faithful to bless us for being His hands and feet. It is often a blessing that only the person doing His work can feel or see.
To my dear friend who has asked to remain anonymous, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I am praying for your 100 fold return!
Monday, June 3, 2013
Hope and Temporary
June 3, 2013
And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.
Revelation 12:11
I should have been dead for an entire month as of today. That is a pretty drastic statement, but considering the circumstances, it is true.
Friday afternoon, May 3, 2013, I was finished giving my weekly spelling test and instead of sticking around till the bell rang, I left school about 2 minutes early. I didn't go straight home. It was a sunny, breezy afternoon and I opened the sunroof of my Jeep Patriot, that I had affectionately dubbed "my TARDIS" due to its boxy shape and blue color that reminded me of my favorite television show. I cranked up the stereo and decided to go by Chick-fil-a to get some food. I was cruising really; buying some time spent outdoors. After I got my food, I headed for home thinking I would stop at the park to eat it. At the last minute, I changed my mind and decided to sit on the patio at home instead. After leaving work a couple of minutes early, I arrived home about 30 minutes later than normal. So with my windows and sunroof wide open and my music blaring, I pulled into my driveway and heard what sounded like the snapping sound of a limb falling. Then BAM! I heard the loudest sound I think I have ever heard and ducked down as I felt tree branches grabbing my face and saw my windshield buckle. I only remember feeling very startled as I put on the brake and the car jolted with another bounce of the "limb" that hit it. I felt sadness at my poor car getting dinged, but had no idea that what had hit me, was a 90-100 foot oak tree! The entire thing had fallen. The frame of my car had held up fairly well, but I was not fully aware of how much damage there was. I was amazingly calm. I thought, "make sure to get everything out of the car, go in the house and call your husband." Still unaware that an entire tree had found my car in the exact moment I had pulled into the driveway, I got to the corner of the house, turned around, and saw...! I had the sense to set my drink on the ground and I dropped everything else and felt my knees give way. "Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God," just kept running through my mind, but I don't think I actually said anything. At some point I started to cry, and look around the neighborhood to see if there was anyone, anyone at all to help, although I wasn't sure what help I needed. I didn't feel hurt, but I didn't feel well either. My mother, who lives with us, came around the corner of the front of the house just then and she immediately started trying to assess my condition. I did manage to call my husband, but I don't remember what I said or how I said it. He claims I was pretty hysterical. For once, I feel he was probably not exaggerating about that. I started snapping pictures with my phone. That was all I could think to do. As I tried, with shaky hands, to post my pictures on facebook to share my disbelief and shock at what was happening, a couple of neighbor ladies came over to check on us. No one could believe what happened...
I did not have a single scratch!
I had glass in my hair, down my shirt, and in my shoe. My car's roof was caved in just in front of where I had been and just behind where I had been. My sunroof was wide open. I had felt the branches scrape my face. But I had not ONE, SINGLE scratch or bruise!
The next three days were an emotional roller coaster. At first I was totally grateful, though still not fully aware of the possibilities. I keep thinking "miracle", but it didn't ring true because I had survived. No big deal, it wasn't that hard. My "TARDIS" was totaled, I knew that. Not a single panel on the body was not damaged, but, eh, I was fine. Then we heard about the costs and the possibility that this might end up costing us more than we had. We didn't think the insurance would give us enough to get another car, we didn't have rental insurance so we were going to have to do without until all was settled, and things were already so tight and worrisome, that I grieved that I had survived. That life insurance money would have helped my husband so much more than I could help him by being alive. Sure he would grieve, the kids would grieve, but the money would have helped to soothe that loss. I screamed at God, "why did you let me live!" I hated him at that moment for not providing for my family. I could just envision the weight of the burden this was for them and felt it was my fault.
At some point during that weekend, I had a "premonition" of sorts. That memory of that moment when I ducked down and felt the tree branches, became a "memory" of my neck snapping and I just no longer was.... After that moment, I think the possibility of what could have been, dawned on me fully. It was Monday before I started feeling like I wasn't dreaming while actually being in a coma. I literally thought I would wake up and find that I was really in a hospital.
Since that day, I have been asking God the same questions over and over. I have been trying to find meaning in my life being spared. It wasn't like I saw angels protect me or felt any presence with me. It was an uneventful moment other than a tree fell on me. Were my chances of surviving such an event really so small? Why did a tree have to fall on me if there wasn't any kind of epiphany that followed? Why do bad things just keep happening to us?
I knew I would write about this on this day. I knew from about the third day after, that I would commemorate the event by finally writing about it; but I thought it would just be to document what had happened.
Then we sang this Scripture in Church yesterday morning. We will overcome. By the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. We will overcome. It hit me like a ton of bricks and has been drowning me ever since. The flood gates of God's revelation have been opened after nearly 15 years of wilderness, dry, dead space. I wish I had taken pen to paper right away, because I can't recall everything that has been revealed. I will try my best to capture it, but I know it will be nothing more than disjointed, rambling, half-thoughts in places. THE most important words to come to me are words, I KNOW, the church needs to hear. HOPE, and TEMPORARY.
Hope: the church has developed such an entitlement attitude. We have turned the world off with it. We do not have a RIGHT to worship or speak or ANYTHING.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
Matthew 5:11
For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.
1 Peter 2:21
And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
Mark 8:34 (my note: you can't claim a right to something while denying yourself)
Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
Matthew 16:24
And you will be hated by all for my name's sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.
Matthew 10:22
It's not that God did not promise blessings. He did. But he did not guarantee they would be in THIS life. He did promise that men would hate us in this life. I know that can be a scary thought. Certainly we don't WANT to be reviled and hated, we WANT favor with man.
Somewhere in the last 24 hours, I had a glimpse of the next generation of Christian. The last generation, MINE, became demanding and judgmental. The NEXT generation will be steadfast and sure in their faith, in the face of disfavor and perhaps even persecution. The NEXT Generation will KNOW their God because they sought him fully for themselves, even to the point of questioning what they had been taught of Him by their parents. The HOPE is in that generation and the mighty, steadfast faith that they will gain. The HOPE is in that generation who seems to reject Christ at the moment as just one of many paths, as they see the faith of their peers grow and stand true in the face of danger. The HOPE is that those who have turned away from the training of their fathers, will return in droves as they see the faithfulness of those who remain. I believe that the Gospel will not fall short, nor God's Word be in vain. Christianity always grows in the face of persecution.
Temporary: My husband always says that everything is cyclical. You have heard of the swing of the pendulum. "This too, shall pass." Yes, that is the Word for the moment. It is TEMPORARY. Maybe what is meant by that is that the return of Christ is soon, but whatever it means, the times of trouble will pass. History bears witness to that. There are good years, and lean years; good leaders and terrible leaders. It is never good all the time, nor is it bad all the time. We have had it good for a very long, 200 some-odd years. I don't look for the bad to be as long, but I figure we are due. What we have that is constant is a God that loves us so much that He let His Son become one of us and endure some of the worst of what man had to offer, just to die in atonement for our sin. That was so we can share in the blessings that are promised..for all of eternity. Our time here is a blip in the face of infinity.
The scripture we sang at church, "We will overcome. By the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, we will overcome," at first was a wakeup for me. I saw in a flash all the bad things that had been happening to my family over the last few months had been Satan stealing our testimony. In that moment I felt a wave of anger take over me and the urge to proclaim that I am sick and tired of Satan trying to steal my testimony! I will no longer let him! The words of my testimony have become so negative and I am declaring now that I will no longer allow that! I am forever hesitant to make blanket declarations like that, because I am always so bad at following through. No one wants to fail at something they have declared publicly. That means they fail publicly. But I feel this is so necessary, not only for myself, but for us believers. Satan is stealing our joy and we are allowing it! NO! I will no longer be a party to that thief. My joy comes from within and I CHOOSE to hold fast to it. I CHOOSE to lose that negativity that has overwhelmed me for so long. When I think about what that looks like, that losing the negativity, I am not even sure what I need to do to accomplish it. I always considered it realism. God doesn't ask me to lie about things, He only asks that I look past the TEMPORARY situation and have HOPE that what He has for me is more wonderful than I can even imagine. (Neitzsche would have thought that was terrible because my hope is in the future. I think it is terrible not to have that hope!)
This will have to be where I stop for now. I have to tell you that though it took almost the whole month, we now have a car with only a small loan that will be paid off very quickly. It is a car that we were looking to rent for the summer because we needed extra room for carrying expected, international guests around. It is a bit more luxurious, although older. I still am sad over my TARDIS, but we were able to put aside enough of the insurance money to possibly purchase a beater car for our kids. We aren't tremendously better off, but a need was met!
I leave you with this from church yesterday morning (Thank you for the great sermon, Aaron Allison!)
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
May God reveal Himself to each of you!
And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.
Revelation 12:11
I should have been dead for an entire month as of today. That is a pretty drastic statement, but considering the circumstances, it is true.
Friday afternoon, May 3, 2013, I was finished giving my weekly spelling test and instead of sticking around till the bell rang, I left school about 2 minutes early. I didn't go straight home. It was a sunny, breezy afternoon and I opened the sunroof of my Jeep Patriot, that I had affectionately dubbed "my TARDIS" due to its boxy shape and blue color that reminded me of my favorite television show. I cranked up the stereo and decided to go by Chick-fil-a to get some food. I was cruising really; buying some time spent outdoors. After I got my food, I headed for home thinking I would stop at the park to eat it. At the last minute, I changed my mind and decided to sit on the patio at home instead. After leaving work a couple of minutes early, I arrived home about 30 minutes later than normal. So with my windows and sunroof wide open and my music blaring, I pulled into my driveway and heard what sounded like the snapping sound of a limb falling. Then BAM! I heard the loudest sound I think I have ever heard and ducked down as I felt tree branches grabbing my face and saw my windshield buckle. I only remember feeling very startled as I put on the brake and the car jolted with another bounce of the "limb" that hit it. I felt sadness at my poor car getting dinged, but had no idea that what had hit me, was a 90-100 foot oak tree! The entire thing had fallen. The frame of my car had held up fairly well, but I was not fully aware of how much damage there was. I was amazingly calm. I thought, "make sure to get everything out of the car, go in the house and call your husband." Still unaware that an entire tree had found my car in the exact moment I had pulled into the driveway, I got to the corner of the house, turned around, and saw...! I had the sense to set my drink on the ground and I dropped everything else and felt my knees give way. "Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God," just kept running through my mind, but I don't think I actually said anything. At some point I started to cry, and look around the neighborhood to see if there was anyone, anyone at all to help, although I wasn't sure what help I needed. I didn't feel hurt, but I didn't feel well either. My mother, who lives with us, came around the corner of the front of the house just then and she immediately started trying to assess my condition. I did manage to call my husband, but I don't remember what I said or how I said it. He claims I was pretty hysterical. For once, I feel he was probably not exaggerating about that. I started snapping pictures with my phone. That was all I could think to do. As I tried, with shaky hands, to post my pictures on facebook to share my disbelief and shock at what was happening, a couple of neighbor ladies came over to check on us. No one could believe what happened...
I did not have a single scratch!
I had glass in my hair, down my shirt, and in my shoe. My car's roof was caved in just in front of where I had been and just behind where I had been. My sunroof was wide open. I had felt the branches scrape my face. But I had not ONE, SINGLE scratch or bruise!
The next three days were an emotional roller coaster. At first I was totally grateful, though still not fully aware of the possibilities. I keep thinking "miracle", but it didn't ring true because I had survived. No big deal, it wasn't that hard. My "TARDIS" was totaled, I knew that. Not a single panel on the body was not damaged, but, eh, I was fine. Then we heard about the costs and the possibility that this might end up costing us more than we had. We didn't think the insurance would give us enough to get another car, we didn't have rental insurance so we were going to have to do without until all was settled, and things were already so tight and worrisome, that I grieved that I had survived. That life insurance money would have helped my husband so much more than I could help him by being alive. Sure he would grieve, the kids would grieve, but the money would have helped to soothe that loss. I screamed at God, "why did you let me live!" I hated him at that moment for not providing for my family. I could just envision the weight of the burden this was for them and felt it was my fault. 
At some point during that weekend, I had a "premonition" of sorts. That memory of that moment when I ducked down and felt the tree branches, became a "memory" of my neck snapping and I just no longer was.... After that moment, I think the possibility of what could have been, dawned on me fully. It was Monday before I started feeling like I wasn't dreaming while actually being in a coma. I literally thought I would wake up and find that I was really in a hospital.
Since that day, I have been asking God the same questions over and over. I have been trying to find meaning in my life being spared. It wasn't like I saw angels protect me or felt any presence with me. It was an uneventful moment other than a tree fell on me. Were my chances of surviving such an event really so small? Why did a tree have to fall on me if there wasn't any kind of epiphany that followed? Why do bad things just keep happening to us?
I knew I would write about this on this day. I knew from about the third day after, that I would commemorate the event by finally writing about it; but I thought it would just be to document what had happened.
Then we sang this Scripture in Church yesterday morning. We will overcome. By the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. We will overcome. It hit me like a ton of bricks and has been drowning me ever since. The flood gates of God's revelation have been opened after nearly 15 years of wilderness, dry, dead space. I wish I had taken pen to paper right away, because I can't recall everything that has been revealed. I will try my best to capture it, but I know it will be nothing more than disjointed, rambling, half-thoughts in places. THE most important words to come to me are words, I KNOW, the church needs to hear. HOPE, and TEMPORARY.
Hope: the church has developed such an entitlement attitude. We have turned the world off with it. We do not have a RIGHT to worship or speak or ANYTHING.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
Matthew 5:11
For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.
1 Peter 2:21
And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
Mark 8:34 (my note: you can't claim a right to something while denying yourself)
Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
Matthew 16:24
And you will be hated by all for my name's sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.
Matthew 10:22
It's not that God did not promise blessings. He did. But he did not guarantee they would be in THIS life. He did promise that men would hate us in this life. I know that can be a scary thought. Certainly we don't WANT to be reviled and hated, we WANT favor with man.
Somewhere in the last 24 hours, I had a glimpse of the next generation of Christian. The last generation, MINE, became demanding and judgmental. The NEXT generation will be steadfast and sure in their faith, in the face of disfavor and perhaps even persecution. The NEXT Generation will KNOW their God because they sought him fully for themselves, even to the point of questioning what they had been taught of Him by their parents. The HOPE is in that generation and the mighty, steadfast faith that they will gain. The HOPE is in that generation who seems to reject Christ at the moment as just one of many paths, as they see the faith of their peers grow and stand true in the face of danger. The HOPE is that those who have turned away from the training of their fathers, will return in droves as they see the faithfulness of those who remain. I believe that the Gospel will not fall short, nor God's Word be in vain. Christianity always grows in the face of persecution.
Temporary: My husband always says that everything is cyclical. You have heard of the swing of the pendulum. "This too, shall pass." Yes, that is the Word for the moment. It is TEMPORARY. Maybe what is meant by that is that the return of Christ is soon, but whatever it means, the times of trouble will pass. History bears witness to that. There are good years, and lean years; good leaders and terrible leaders. It is never good all the time, nor is it bad all the time. We have had it good for a very long, 200 some-odd years. I don't look for the bad to be as long, but I figure we are due. What we have that is constant is a God that loves us so much that He let His Son become one of us and endure some of the worst of what man had to offer, just to die in atonement for our sin. That was so we can share in the blessings that are promised..for all of eternity. Our time here is a blip in the face of infinity.
The scripture we sang at church, "We will overcome. By the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, we will overcome," at first was a wakeup for me. I saw in a flash all the bad things that had been happening to my family over the last few months had been Satan stealing our testimony. In that moment I felt a wave of anger take over me and the urge to proclaim that I am sick and tired of Satan trying to steal my testimony! I will no longer let him! The words of my testimony have become so negative and I am declaring now that I will no longer allow that! I am forever hesitant to make blanket declarations like that, because I am always so bad at following through. No one wants to fail at something they have declared publicly. That means they fail publicly. But I feel this is so necessary, not only for myself, but for us believers. Satan is stealing our joy and we are allowing it! NO! I will no longer be a party to that thief. My joy comes from within and I CHOOSE to hold fast to it. I CHOOSE to lose that negativity that has overwhelmed me for so long. When I think about what that looks like, that losing the negativity, I am not even sure what I need to do to accomplish it. I always considered it realism. God doesn't ask me to lie about things, He only asks that I look past the TEMPORARY situation and have HOPE that what He has for me is more wonderful than I can even imagine. (Neitzsche would have thought that was terrible because my hope is in the future. I think it is terrible not to have that hope!)
This will have to be where I stop for now. I have to tell you that though it took almost the whole month, we now have a car with only a small loan that will be paid off very quickly. It is a car that we were looking to rent for the summer because we needed extra room for carrying expected, international guests around. It is a bit more luxurious, although older. I still am sad over my TARDIS, but we were able to put aside enough of the insurance money to possibly purchase a beater car for our kids. We aren't tremendously better off, but a need was met!
I leave you with this from church yesterday morning (Thank you for the great sermon, Aaron Allison!)
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
May God reveal Himself to each of you!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Feeling the need for positivity
I often come here to rant or spew some sentimental pish posh. Today, I just want to say that it is a perfectly gorgeous Spring day! I would love to rant about my husband at the moment, but the weather has been so wonderful and the rest of life seems so amazing at the moment that I just can't find it in me to verbal vomit on the internet right now. I have it so much better than some I know. I just want to be thankful for that instead. I have a home, a job, a car, a family, food to eat, medicine that I need, friends, all I could want or need. I could add caveats to every single item in that list, but why? I think, for a change, that I will just be grateful.
God, you are so good to me. All I have, You have given. Thank you for loving me so and for forgiving me for all the times I have screwed up, and for not striking me with lightning every time I complain...although, that might have been an effective teaching tool :)
You are truly amazing! Marana tha! Come quickly, Lord Jesus!
God, you are so good to me. All I have, You have given. Thank you for loving me so and for forgiving me for all the times I have screwed up, and for not striking me with lightning every time I complain...although, that might have been an effective teaching tool :)
You are truly amazing! Marana tha! Come quickly, Lord Jesus!
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